The Full moon

Was it you last night that peeped through my window as the moon? Was it you that caressed my facewith her silky twains as the gentle breeze? Was it you that wrapped mein her soft and tender care as night? Was it you that whispered into my ears as song filled with echoes of a blissful tomorrow as dawn? Was it you that filled me with joy As life? Was it you that filled my heart with fear as a distant but nearing end? Was it you, or was it just a cry of my wishful soul? Was it you, at all?

What is love? What is Love?

'Yaar Bahot Mushkil hai' It's easy to theorize and put definitions on things phenomenons feelings. But, is it at all possible to put every emotion, every sensation, into words? Can we ever develop a vocabulary which would have enough letters in it to enable us to extpress our thoughts feelings and subtlest emotions? I doubt, if we can! Do you remember the first time you fell in love? I do. At least I thought it was love - in cruel tentacles of cold shiver, a hapless mind and body. My lips danced, if I bumped into her by chance - as if by their own will. But the voice slithered down the throat and hid in some dark cravice inside throat. And then, she would have this bewildered look on her face, may be wondering if I need a doctor. That was it! I used to remind myself, 'love is a river on fire, one must swim - for love or nought'. After numerous heartbreaks - till their was not a shred of muscle left for use, and a self-respect that was buried deep under the seas of perspiration, long since evaporated - I realised too late, it was mere infatuation ... love is divine it never demeans you or subjects you to downright, abject humiliation. Well, I didn't have the patience for divinity! You know, I was still pubescent when I was twenty one! I begin to explore another side of love - of passion and 'what-the-hell-you-can-call-it-sin'. In rented shacks love infested the undulating terrains of my mind like endless stretch of poppy-blossoms. It was difficult to make out night from day - I preffered to be loved with blinds and lights switched off. I was like a piece of cork bobbing up and down in a canister full of honey. It was wierd! The more I loved, more I craved - I loved and craved ... I loved and craved ... on and on! Sometimes I got lucky with love! On such days, I was devoured by a mate more hungry and desperate (for love). I couldn't hope to hold on to passing time. Time just passed like a sprinter hell bent on breaking the sound barried - wind-aided or not. I would beg and plead, but such are the ways of the world. I understood. Love ...

Search for love

A search for love is an arduous journey. Search for true love is worse! It is a tight-rope walk over a chasmless ravine towards nowhere. So better walk it alone. It's a canoe for just one - unless, of course, you're a sadist and want to drown the one you love to hate the most.

Baba - the Goat

“ Gosh, this is going to be the most boring holiday ever” declared Raju., “ there is no television in this house!” he announced in a state of disbelief. Raju is my uncle’s son. He is 10, just two years older than me, but acted like he knew everything because he is the oldest among us. “No Television?” No Cartoons?” Papu and Kutty screamed in shock. It was as if they didn’t understand that people could actually live without television. Papu is my five year old brother and Munni is Raju’s seven year old sister. Even our mothers seemed to sympathize. “This house” as referred above by Raju was our grandpa’s house in the village. My father works in Delhi.Once a year during school vacation we go to Chennai to Raman Uncle’s ( raju and Munni’s father’s) house. Nani, our grandmother and Thatha our grandfather also came to Chennai during our visits. This year Thatha and Nani wanted us to visit them at the village so that we could experience village life too. Our fathers agreed eagerly as this is the village where they grew up. So we had all driven down to Thatha’s village after visiting many old temples all along the way. We loved the drive, the green paddy and sugarcane fields, the temples, and the attention we and our cars got from the villagers. The houses were so different from the flats and big buildings we had seen in cities and we were excited to see the ponds and lakes with lilies and lotuses. As always Thatha and Nani fussed over us and Nani had made the most wonderful meal for us. After supper we had gone around the house in search of the television and that was when Raju discovered the fact that there was no television in Thatha’s house. Thatha and Nani still listened to the radio and they read a lot in their spare time. They had no use for a television. They considered it a waste of time. This was the reason they preferred to stay in their village because they felt that they were closer to nature and people in the village than in the city. The whole village respected Thatha and they sought his advice on their personal and professional issues. Nani was the same to the women of the village. As Thayee , the maid who had stayed with Nani for forty years said, “They are like the raja and rani for the village.” And so here we were, all four children completely shattered at the lack of television on a holiday. Raju made it appear like we had gone back to the stone age on a time machine! Thayee came up with the bright idea of taking us to the community hall for watching television but the idea was immediately dismissed when Thatha said they had no cable connection there. The adults saw our disappointed faces. Nani pulled me and Raju to her and said, “You did not come all the way to Thatha's house to watch the television, did you? Then you could have stayed in Chennai or Delhi. When your fathers grew up here there was no television to watch. They played with other children. And the animals.” “What animals?” Our curiosity was mildly aroused. Papu asked excitedly, “dogs? I would love to have a dog in the house to play with.” “ No. We never had a dog. But we had cows, goats, ducks and cats” My father said. “And there was Baba” Nani said. “Baba? What kind of animal was Baba?” asked Kutty “Baba was a goat…but he didn’t behave like one.” Uncle and my father laughed thinking of Baba. “What do you mean he did not behave like a goat?” I asked “ Ok..For one what do goats eat?” father asked. “Grass” we all replied together. “ No. Not Baba” father laughed “Then what did he eat? Papu asked in excitement. “ He ate rice like us. And he used to love all kinds of sweets.” My father said. Nani said” Oh yes, I had to keep the kitchen cupboard locked or he would come in and open the cup board with his horns and polish off all the sugar.” We all laughed. “How did he come into the house uncle?” Kutty asked “Oh there was no way we could keep Baba out of the house.” my father said, “All the other animals stayed in the garden or outside the house but Baba would somehow find a way in. He used to walk about the house as if it belonged to him. And he even decided who could come inside the house. Ho would not allow any visitor unless they gave him something special. “ “If anyone visiting the house had tobacco or cigarettes and were careless about the bag where they kept it, you can be sure that Baba would have eaten it. Whenever Nani made tea, he would insist that she give him the tealeaves to eat.” Everyone laughed. “That surely was one comic goat” Raju said Papu, who like do repeat anything Raju said or did also added” yes, a comic goat.” “He was a comedienne alright. We used to have great fun watching him and Mumlet fight” uncle said. “Mumlet? Who was Mumlet..another goat?” “No” Uncle continued, “ Mumlet was a drake we had.” “Tell us about Mumlet..Was he funny too” I said “Oh yes, He was a funny character too – a drake with an attitude. He came close to death so many times but survived each time. He was to have been made into an omelette but by a stroke of luck he survived. One day Nani brought some eggs for omelette but she found one of them would hatch soon. So she put it in a pigeon’s nest and Mumlet came out. When he was a baby he was so tiny that a crow picked him up and sat on a tree so he could eat him. But Nani hit the tree so hard that the crow got scared and flew off leaving Mumlet on top of the tree. Then I climbed up the tree and brought Mumlet down.” Mumlet and Baba were constantly at each other’s throat. Mumlet used to look scornfully when Baba ate tobacco and tea leaves. This used to irritate Baba. And Mumlet insisted on walking around the house, which Baba did not approve of. He felt that drakes should stay in the garden and had no place inside the house so he would chase him out whenever he tried to get in. It was such a sight to watch Baba running after Mumlet and Mumlet quacking away.’ Thatha, Nani, Daddy and uncle were smiling . It seemed as though they were visualizing in their mind the scene of Baba and Mumlet running around the house. We all imagined the sight and roared with laughter. Thatha sighed and said, “ It turned out that Baba was actually very fond of Mumlet. One day when Baba was about three, we heard a lot of noise in the garden. We knew it would be another Baba -Mumlet chase and went out to see. What we saw was scary. A mad dog was chasing Mumlet and was about to get hold of him. But Baba rushed in and pushed the dog away with his horns. The dog had bitten Baba before we could rush and chase him away. And Baba never recovered from that bite” We all felt very sad. “We have had many goats after that and before but none like Baba”, Nani said wiping her tears with her sari’s edge. “But then there were others like Ma Moo, the cow calf who liked to jump over anyone who was squatting on the floor and Mew Jew , the cat who crossed the river to find our house. All our animals had a distinct personality,”my father said. “ Wow, These animals are almost like what we see on cartoons” Kutty said. Thatha drew us close to him and said, “They are even better because they are real. They may not talk but in their own way they show you their love and understanding. We should learn to preserve the fine balance in our environment among animals, trees and humans. That is how nature intended it to be. We need animals and trees more than they need us. Always remember to love them and be nice to them.” “Ok. Now tell us about Ma Moo and Mew Jew “ I begged my father. “Not now,” my father said, “.Now it is time for bed. But tomorrow after breakfast we will go to the barn and I will introduce you to all the animals that belong to us and the neighbors. And you will hear all their stories” “Wow. This is going to be the best holiday ever” Raju announced and everyone laughed. When we went to bed we were all excited about the next week in Thatha’s village.

Don't stand still, sway to the drone of herds unkown of faces forgotten and forlorn move on and be counted at the altars, of gods usurped watch the evil birds bellow fire from heaven's belly , torn ... What sins Morbid mortification, bring It’s no time for salvation But to move, not to think Don't stand still, sway to the drone of herds unkown of faces forgotten and forlorn No fumes of burning flesh No plumes of putrid smoke Just the cries, of naked souls Being hurled into the fire of millennial cold Swarm of immortal sinners, sinned Lips sealed with silence Walk their own funeral march Stripped of desire, the end begun