Change!!!!

I want to change!

I don't like a thing about myself, and would like to re-create 'myself' in a way a painter creates newer layers of perspective over the botched strokes of a painitng gone wrong. Don't get me wrong. I do not hate my self. The obsessive pre-occupation with my own persona is the culprit.

This question of change throws up a lot of questions that never arise in a sequence or follow a definite logic. It's more or less a chaotic "stream-of-consciousness". So I do not have the luxury of knowing where to start and which question to answer first.

Questions

1. Who am I?
2. Why did I tell my best friend that he is as big an idiot as I?
3. Why don't I rise early in the morning?
4. Am I getting older and kinkier?
5. Why did I spend so much money on a car that I began to hate the moment I drove out of the showroom?
6. Why did I dream of running a marathon against Yousuf Raza Gilani?
7. Why am I constantly being choked on a mysterious pang of guilt and shame?
8. Why does Sachin suck at T20?
9. Why don't I get along with most people?
10. When would I stop asking uncomfortable questions?

The list is long and uninteresting. However, I need to make a start. Reason, I am not getting any younger. The train may drop me at a station where I am the only person alive or dead. And, I have to find out answers to at least some of the questions on the list.

Where should I begin? See ... what I mean :)

I have been doing a little reading. Apparently there are actually a few people alive and many dead who do not need to answer any questions any more. There are theories after theories, books after books that may help in answering some of the questions. 

Reading should help but it doesn't. 

Because, I can't go by other people's version of change and achieving self realisation --  a perpetual state of being with no thought ... thus no questions. SIMPLE.

Since the questions are mine, the answers should be mine. I am looking for a discovery of my own, an experience, a belief! A truth so true that I say "NO KIDDING"!

How?